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The chemistry you want
As a twice-divorced woman in my mid 50's, I found myself
back in the dating world yet again after my second divorce. Hubby #1 and I
met in college but hubby #2 and I met at an online dating site. Online
Dating does work. I just chose a very nice man to marry. We just married
for all the wrong reasons. You see, when my second ex and I first met,
there was this instant chemistry between us. Sparks flew everywhere. Its
intensity was so strong that within six weeks of meeting each other, we
were already planning a wedding. Saying good-bye was so difficult and left
me in tears every time we parted ways. I couldn't stand being without him
at my side and I couldn't wait until the day we would live together as
husband and wife.
The love we shared continuously tugged at my heart. I'd never felt this
way before. Although I could see his shortcomings, the "chemistry" between
us was so intense that I totally overlooked any negative issues, excusing
them as behaviors that would somehow change as the result of our love over
time.
If you read enough online profiles, you will see that most men are looking
for "CHEMISTRY" as the barometer for success on a first date. Everyone
wants to fall in love the minute they set eyes on each other and that is
exactly what we had happen to us! Our first coffee date turned from a half
hour meet and greet into an 8-hour marathon. The energetic vibes between
us were magnified. Have you ever felt like you knew someone the second you
met them? That is how it felt with my second husband. Within minutes, I
felt like I'd known him my entire life.
Some chemistry is a good thing. You absolutely do need to click on certain
levels. You need to have enough in common to keep things moving forward.
But first dates are so awkward that it's hard to click really well when
you first meet. It takes time to develop a true relationship. And it takes
conversation, lots of it and it takes playing together as a couple with
activities, friends and families to see if anything is really there.
Instant intense chemistry like I had with hubby #2, keeps the natural
progression of the "getting to know each other" process from happening.
The chemistry gives you a false sense of being in love when it turns out
what you are really in is lust. We found ourselves feeling what we thought
was love for each other so by date #3, it wasn't surprising when the "L"
word appeared.
After knowing each other for only a year, we were married. The intense
chemistry between us was still going strong and we were still having a lot
of great sex but we were always angry at each other. Neither of our needs
were being met due to his inability to communicate well. Yes, that was the
red flag I overlooked and thought would correct itself over time.
As 2 years wore on, the chemistry never wore off. But, our arguments got
more intense and began wearing on each of us. Without, a friendship, there
was nothing to keep the marriage solid. When we separated, I could still
feel a strong tug at my heart and it took a while to stop wanting his
physical presence in my life.
Although this was such a painful period in my life, I did learn a lot. I
realized that a relationship truly needs to develop at a slower pace and
that its most important quality is the friendship that develops with time
between two people. As we age, sex can wane. It is the friendship, the
similar values and the fun you share with another person that holds a
relationship together.
If you find yourself in a situation where blinding chemistry shows up
between you and a potential partner, take a deep breath and as hard as it
will be, slow it down and give yourself a chance to see if the two of you
can work beyond the intense attraction. Learn from my mistakes. Divorce is
hard on everyone and messy whether you've been married 24 years or 2.
If you have a first date with a man and you feel like there is no
chemistry, try going out again and see if it develops over time. Often it
will and it's this slow building type of chemistry that will create a
lasting and enduring relationship between you and a "Quality Man". And
that is what we all really want don't you think?
